Front and Center

We all wear masks to a certain degree whether we care to admit it or not. Sometimes I wonder who the real me is. Is the "me" that I think is me, not the real me but the product of a programmed version of myself through years of what others thought I was, or what I thought the world expected and allowed me to be?

We all play a certain role in our lives.
My recurring role was always that of middleman, a very tiring position to be in.

We should all be leading ladies/men in our own lives instead. I read that once somewhere. And it hit me hard. Most of us do fall into the trap of behaving like we don’t deserve to be stars in our own show that is our lives. Our days are spent in type-casted, supporting roles to others’ quests. We let others play director and a few others dictate the look and feel.

It’s never too late to turn that spotlight around on “you”. Life is short and film is not only limited but expensive.

The version of me today wants to defy being defined. I’d like to think that I am much more imaginative than that. I have found that the most inspired me is when I’m just left to be “me”.
No second-guessing. No editing.

This Halloween, I was an "unkempt, zombie-ish rag-doll-that's-out-for-revenge-on-the-little-girl-that-did-not-take-very-good-care-of-her". A last minute change in what I’d originally wanted to be---Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas". Same family but with a twist.

In my movie, even the disheveled and the imperfect can be headliners. Sure it wasn’t a pretty, princess costume, but then again, who said I ever wanted to be a princess?

Tomorrow I don't quite know what I'll transform into. But for now, let's have a go at it, Superstars!

A to B

I’ve been caught in a flurry of very emotional and very big decisions lately. It’s as if I’ve opened a number of canned worms and I have so much to attend to all at once. I am very overwhelmed to say the least. Tired everyday and completely losing steam.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In my quest for satisfying my creative hunger and following my true passion, I’ve not only disrupted my own life, but also that of my family’s and co-workers’. I’ve been praying deeply about this for a very long time now. And each time I know that the decision to pack up in a few months and head to SoCal in pursuit of my creative passion is my next level.

All of us climb through stages. Each time we make a move, we can only hope it’s towards the next level. The next level, presumably a better level. To have a calm, quite acceptable, comfortable life turned into a pool of uncertainty is core-shaking. It feels foolish to abandon a very safe space. In the middle of the frenzy, you start to wonder if it’s all worth it. All the new drama. All the discomfort. All the painful details. But when I look at the alternative, all I see is mediocrity.
And that to me is even more crazy scary.

Now I guess on days when I’m crawling into bed in tears from sheer stress and fatigue, I almost want to “abort mission” just to make it instantly easy on me and everyone else. But these are also the same moments that tell me just how much I really do want it. And boy, do I want it bad. Because if I truly didn’t, I have every excuse, and every exit door to take in order to revert back to my quiet, albeit expected life.

One of the many things I did last weekend as part of my preparation for this big move, is I got myself a used minivan. That’s right, a minivan.

After several weeks of test-driving and painful deliberation, I settled for an old, yet highly reliable soccer mom vehicle. It’s a decision that still has my head reeling. It’s not the fastest, and certainly not the coolest. But the price was right, and I realized that at this very moment, I didn’t need a “financed” flashy vehicle. What I merely needed was a decent car that’ll take me safely from point A to B. And so, I will drive this van of mine with head held high.

If you ever see a “cherry chocolate” minivan in the highway, honk twice before passing me by in support of following your own life's missions. Nope, I am not going to any kid’s soccer game, at least not quite yet. I am however, headed for my dreams, and what a ride it will be!
Now excuse me while I primp my ride. And please don't block the driveway.

Cleaning House

Drama queens. Blamers. Downers. Toxic people. We all know a few. The number one way to identify them is, they normally drain the energy out of you within 15 minutes of activity with them. You must try to detoxify every now and then. Cleaning your immediate area of all these wind-uppers or what a friend calls "spinners" is a survival act.

Because a number of them might be people we're actually stuck with, be it by blood relations, common workplace, or shared apartment building, the idea of cutting them off completely might be an improbable thing. But limiting your exposure to them is the next best thing. If you let them, they can suck the inspiration out of you. The gloomy cloud above them is also very contagious. At times it may be necessary to come up with ways of dodging or gracefully shortening the experience. I think this may be the real reason behind the invention of answering machines. The way I see it, it's not mean, it's a duty to onesself.

A very uninspiring object, or an apartment layout can be just as lethal for you. I like things to always stir something in me somehow. It could just be a kitchen towel, but I'd like to “love” that kitchen towel a lot, so much so that by just placing that piece of cloth on my refrigerator handle, I smile everytime I reach for it. Conversely, I could walk into a room and all of a sudden tense up. This of course reminds me to seriously clean the clutter in my office desktop. Not good “chi”-harvesting composition.

Sometimes, the toxic person might actually be you.
(And we're all guilty of this from time to time)
Here are few ways of telling whether it's time for you to chill:
-"buddies" in your IM list are suddenly "not at their desks" as soon as you come on
-every topic returns back to "you"
-you take the joy out of otherwise delightful moments, making them unbearable for other people
(example, "if I wear flip flops, sand will get between my toes, but if I wear sneakers, no one will see my cute nail polish. Of course, I can wear closed-toe sandals, but it may be too hot. What do you think?" Then you ignore the other person's response anyway and keep whining.)
-you think you're the only one who gets caught under the rain
-your compliments sound insulting
-you look at a half-filled coffee cup and think, "not a Venti Latte"
-it never seems to be your fault
-you gather a group of people and ask them each to explain why you were not invited. Afterwards, you cross reference.

If symptoms persist, watch a movie or something. It just may be time to take yourself less seriously.
Happy cleaning!

Becoming RED

When I was just beginning my creative career, I sported the perfect messy, bed hair with an inch thick, blood-red streak of color along the side my face. I’d show you a picture, but at the moment, I can’t locate the mug shot that would implicate me. I took it not as punk or goth, but just simply a way of expressing my non-conformism.

Red depending to the eye of the beholder could mean love, anger, courage, fire, or passion, to name a few. A number of years ago, I realized red clothes generally looked good on me and so I started wearing more of them. It may be too loud for the "sweater set-wearing" crowd, but I’ve never been one for too much gray. Gray literally, grays my skin out. In fact, I always tell people this…it’s not easy being in the gray. What I mean by being in the gray area is being right smack in the middle of not knowing whether you're happy or sad, but feeling listless just the same, or quite simply just plateauing. It’s a very scary place to be. At least when all hell is breaking loose and you’re aware of this, however bad, you still know enough about what’s going on to try to repair it. With gray, you just don’t know and therefore, you’re just very fearful and frustrated. You're downright paralyzed. Deciding to move out of this safe zone or non-participation in life is the only way to start moving and growing. It might get a bit more complicated and so you must approach this with the utmost commitment.

Remember the movie RED?

It’s the third installment to the very ingenious and quite literally very colorful, "Trois Couleurs" by Krzysztof Kieslowski (the first two were named, "Blue" and "White"). RED follows the character, Valentine as her life crosses paths with several characters who each have their own tumultuous struggles. The film ends with ultimately redemption and the message of second chances. Watch this movie for the first time, or watch it again for the nth time. It’s a good way to renew our commitment to a meaningful, vibrant life.
Time to put some color back in our lives and into our cheeks.